I had to wait until the energies of March had passed before I could sit down and write my thoughts about March. As someone who only knows a little bit about astrology, I knew something big was coming up when errrrybody I follow for Astrology started talking big about the astrology in March. I didn’t understand much of it but knew it was going be big. And in my imagination, I wondered what dire crisis equal to the pandemic was going to play out. I went to worse case scenarios like oh you know, World War 3 type thing. I had a feeling it was going to be big for me at a micro/personal level too. So, I buckled up.
I had some REALLY big, adult, exhausting, possibly life-altering, moments in March but I managed to hold on by a fingernail. I’ll share more about the specific moments another time but there was A LOT going on. I had my first panic attack in years. If you turned on or followed the news… It’s all bad (or necessary, depending on how you look at evolution). Brink of another huge economic downturn/recession. Systems being challenged. It’s everywhere and it’s huge, planet changing energy happening everywhere.
My brain hurts. I survived on short bursts of focused energy. Some days I had to drag myself around knowing I’m surviving on pure purpose - keeping my family organisation going. I am the CEO so the final decisions all rest with me. All the while, flailing for my own oxygen mask.
I want to talk about what I am going through underneath the surface, external to the already overwhelming everyday ‘life’ things. Finally, not from a place where it’s nervous over-sharing (trauma response). I have felt strong urges to have a public breakdown, screaming from the top of my lungs how fucking hard it all is. I want to grab people by the shoulders and give them a little shake – so they physically understand what I am feeling. Healing is hard. And when you start, it’s very hard to stop. One trauma hides or uncovers another and another and another. Our body, mind, and spirit/soul have been corrupted by our home environment/the media/our friends/peers over the entirety of our lives on this planet. And the process of recognising, releasing and reparenting our inner child is never ending. Our bodies are basically one big memory. And this exact reason is what keeps us in our mind/thoughts. For if we were to slow down just a little too much…bam! Something else rises from the depths of our cells. I want to talk about the burden of holding your inner child front and centre. Recognising the things you wanted but were never able to get and now somehow learning to gift myself these things. The guilt that comes from parenting your own children, trying so desperately not to pass any more generational trauma on to them, to draw a line in the sand. Or realising they (teenagers) still think you’re shit even though you try so fucking hard.
April has just arrived, and I still have some hope. I hope we’re beginning to understand our own power. And when working together with that power, slowly at first. Steadily gathering people who are standing up for themselves, to other people, corporations, governments etc. Shifts happen. I still feel this is the shit show before a more balanced, feminine living comes in to existence. I must have hope. Because surely, this can’t be it.