I’m not ready to wish away 2022 or welcome in 2023 just yet. I’m still in the middle space. 2022 was the first actual, conscious year of my life. A life of my own design for the first time in 43 years. I remember the first time I said no and didn’t offer an explanation or an apology. I said no more than I said yes because when I truly listened to my gut/soul/instincts, most of the time my yeses were in fact, almost always nos. I trusted myself in new and exceptionally deep ways. Seeing things, situations and people for who/what they are not what I thought they were. Asking questions, getting curious of myself. “Why do I react that way?” What caused me to have these beliefs about myself cause I sure as fuck wasn’t born thinking I was an inconvenience. I just needed what I needed and as a baby, I never once stopped and thought “ooh maybe I shouldn’t cry right now. Looks like they need a break, so I’ll just quietly remain hungry over here, let them be”. No, but somewhere along the line, I told myself these types of stories over and over again until I actually thought it WAS me. Everything was my fault. I cracked myself opened and looked inside myself. So deeply, I found love for myself the first time. Love for myself which, up until these quiet, contemplative moments this year, were almost non-existent. I found and felt many new emotions with/for myself – pride, love, joy, belief, worth, courage, power, strength, content.
I have rested deeply and unapologetically with the much-needed rest naturally progressing from just device-free resting into naps, daydreaming, breathwork, meditation, cold showers, yoga and silence. This is where I found peace in 2022. I took inspirations of everyone else’s ideas (Ok, so mostly Glennon Doyle Abby Waumbach, Amanda Doyle, Ashley from A Line Within, Joe Dispenza and Dr Nicole LePera) and made them my own. I dipped my foot into Human Design and continued to experiment with it. I made my spiritual practice a priority, like my life depended on it. At times, it did save me from going to those murkier places. Getting to know myself through this spiritual practice has helped me come off anti-depressants after five or six years. Knowing now, these things I thought were 'wrong' with me, aren’t me at all. My core childhood wound of abandonment was presented to me this year in a meditation as a huge black hole but it was the first time I had understood it to be completely separate from me. It wasn’t a part of me (although I spent my life believing it was), yet it had dictated most of my decisions, thoughts, feelings and reactions. I truly believe finding that space, the middle space between something happening and your reactions. So much of it is conditioning after telling yourself your whole life you’re X, Y or Z. Unlovable, unworthy, ashamed, broken…we all have our own adjectives here.
For 2023 I will be trying to find that elusive joy, the one that feels so far away at times. Have you ever written a list about what brings you joy? Or what do you do for fun? I can only think of four things so far so I'm working on increasing that list this year. Find joy even in moments of discomfort. The 'brutiful' (brutal/beautiful) moments. The ones you know you’ll never get again but can’t help wish they were over. The fact January comes around so damn fast every year and the rollercoaster begins again. My new experiment for 2023 is seeing how much peace and joy I can find despite the noise and crazy outside.