I’m in the middle of ‘having a moment’. I have become conscious of these quicker than I have even been able to before. Sometimes its hard to see what you’re in when you’re in it. Before I was even conscious of these events, I thought I was depressed for months or years on end. Glennon Doyle calls it the messy middle. We have a tendency to go dormant when we’re struggling. We want to get through the hard stuff on our own and show up eventually with our ‘ta-da’ moment. Here I am, all ‘better’ after whatever it is we’ve wrestled with. So, this is me in the middle of a ‘bad*’ week/month.
Last week, the world pressed more heavily on me than usual. Deep thoughts consumed me and weighed me down. I questioned my purpose (and why I don’t think I know exactly what my purpose is yet); the current systems in place keeping most of us poor, sick, and miserable; and if this was it (life)? Surely this can’t be what we had in mind as bodyless spiritual beings – let’s go down to earth, study for the first 18-24 years, get a job, retire and die. In my lowest moments, I even floated this idea to my 14- and 11-year-olds – asking ‘is this outcome ok with you both?’. (They both shrugged their shoulders and looked at me like I was, in fact, a little bit crazy. I was consciously planting a seed in their minds though. I am sure the generation we’re raising now are the ones who will come up with better systems or abolish them all together). These thoughts and feelings hung around for days. Yes, they corresponded with bleeding in my cycle. Yes, they corresponded with the upcoming New Moon in Pisces and the start of Pisces season. None of which is a lost on me.
It finally occurred to me last night, I wasn’t lit up inside (obvious now I know). But what exactly wasn’t quite right? 18 months ago, I put my entire life as I knew it into the hands of the universe and said hold this for me. It did, and the things I only dared to dream about, late at night, in the quiet of my own mind, were eventually provided to me (plus some). After a week-long ‘moment’, I remembered I had lost my faith in myself and the universe’s ability to hold me. When we’re in flow and surrendering to what is (rather than what we want it to be), there isn’t internal struggle, despair, or the existential crises I found myself in last week. So, it’s time to adjust the sails slightly, and move towards something that lights me up. I am worthy of being exactly myself, in this moment, as I am. I am lighting a flame of faith inside me. Then, with faith, I can take small, aligned steps towards something that cracks me open with joy and excitement. What that is or looks like, may not present itself tomorrow, next week or next month but my job is to break it down what I can control, into small steps. At the moment, I am my best version of myself when I do yoga as often as I can, meditate, walk in nature and have moments of solitude (whenever I can, with four young kids at home). These insights came to me nearing the end of a two hour bath (water; flow; Pisces; year of the water Rabbit). I tried to surrender. Let go of what I thought life should look like and see it for what it is. ‘Let it be’ (no joke, this song just came on my playlist and made me cry). Today feels like a new day. The heaviness has subsided. I remembered I can hold space for myself here and now. I am my own container and I have the power to hold myself in moments of need. I am more accepting of what is now, knowing it won’t be like this forever. Tomorrow night’s new moon in Pisces seems like the perfect time to recalibrate my dreams. Stretch the realms of infinite possibility and choose a life so beautiful, so true to me, it has no option but to already be on its way to me.
[*I am always aware when I say ‘bad’ as in having a ‘bad’ day/month. What is ‘bad’, or is it even ‘bad’ or just what is? Perhaps 'unaligned' is the new ‘bad’.]